This is going to be a bit of a ramble. I know you have all come to know me for my aphorisms and miscellaneous comments etc. But today I’m going to try something new .
Today sat in my hotel room just overlooking the Jemma El Fna square, trying to fight off the inevitable Moroccan heat coming in through an open balcony, the earthy yet rickety wooden door swaying gently. I came to a realisation.
Beads of sweat trickle down my scull.
What series of subconscious triggers led to me taking the decision to leave in such a rush one night. Fly across two continents, soaring above the birds above millions either asleep or going about their lives in contentment, half way between space and and earth.
What made me so restless? So eager to leave everything I knew behind, so eager to make that final journey that would take others years even decades to muster.
I was dissatisfied with life, I was in the throws of an existential depression, of relentless questioning.
These are some of the questions that swirled around my head for weeks, it was an oppressive thing pushing against the innner side of my forehead, an ache that disabled my usual routine, something was telling me I had no time to waste, I felt the pull of a greater being.
Before I left I was tormented by a lack of meaning or substance to my life. I know we are meant to be grateful, cherish the life that is given us, I am not saying I haven’t accepted my lot in life or whatever was decreed for me or a humble existence for that matter or the selfless obscurity most of us toil away in. It was deeper then this, much deeper.
I had questions….
-What is the purpose of my life?
-what is my calling, when will it hit me, and how will I recognise it?
-What is categorised as a good life, what will make me happy at the end looking back
My soul was swelling within me, I needed to understand where I fit in, what noble mold, what calling was supposed to seamlessly fit into. I felt I had to contort myself live for bigger things. I felt there was something out there, something I as meant to live for, but I had to deserve it first.
I didn’t want to fail, I felt it was sink or swim, yes it was that URGENT. Something was teasing me, the greater plan of a noble being who wanted to enrich me.
I was being called to SOMETHING it told me not to be content.
To spread my wings in courage, to take the first step the first jump into the unknown.
There was obviously the dual aspect to it. The fact that world events and my personal struggle for meaning converge the personal responsibility to myself was made more potent by my sense of duty to others.
Here in Marrakech
I was not disappointed the surroundings, the whole city was conducive to a kind of soul searching, a soul searching drenched in mystery. Looking over my balcony everything aligned the stars, the square the rhythm of tourist and locals mingling I was on the earth’s edge. The beginning of everything I felt optimistic, this is where I would start my journey towards self discovery.